We took Nehemiah to the psychologist. After our first visit I asked if there was some thing up with him or if we were just being weird. She said no, that he either has Asperger's or high functioning autism. Next week we have his I.Q test. That will take two hours. We also are going to have a long meeting with her to answer a bunch of questions. Its going to be a long process.
Right now I'm just so happy to be finally getting this taken care of. I'm sure later on I'll be upset. I know I've been upset about it before. As a parent you don't expect your child to have any thing wrong with them. You imagine your baby will grow and have friends and be happy and healthy. He is happy and healthy. He just doesn't get a lot of things and I'd like to be able to help him with that. Some times its frustrating because he also needs to have surgery to fix his ear. That will take a long time and be many many surgeries. So here this kids has some thing on the autism spectrum and he has to go through years worth of painful surgeries to fix his ear. Its rough for us knowing what he is going to have to endure. I don't like that.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
Just Some Thoughts
My appointment went well yesterday. We talked a lot about Ken and I. She asks me pretty frequently if I've talked to Ken about one topic or another, most times the answer is yes. We talk about every thing. We are very open and honest with each other. I like that.
When I met with my doctor before Christmas we talked about my dad. I was able to talk about how he was abusive at times and I said it all very nonchalant. She asked what I thought about the things I was telling her because she thought they were shocking. I thought about it all that day and finally remembered how I used to feel. I used to feel so broken and abandoned. All I wanted was for him to be a loving Dad. He was never that Dad.
It's funny to me because my Mom will always talk about what an s.o.b he was. But when it comes to how he was with me, she says he wasn't that bad. With all the bad mouthing she did of him for the last 20 years, it just re enforced my opinion of him.
I know he wasn't all bad. I do remember a few good things. I did love him and once in a while I miss him. I some times wish he could have met my girls.
However, I know the kids are better off for not knowing him. Its just hard. Most people love their parents no matter how terrible they are.
When I met with my doctor before Christmas we talked about my dad. I was able to talk about how he was abusive at times and I said it all very nonchalant. She asked what I thought about the things I was telling her because she thought they were shocking. I thought about it all that day and finally remembered how I used to feel. I used to feel so broken and abandoned. All I wanted was for him to be a loving Dad. He was never that Dad.
It's funny to me because my Mom will always talk about what an s.o.b he was. But when it comes to how he was with me, she says he wasn't that bad. With all the bad mouthing she did of him for the last 20 years, it just re enforced my opinion of him.
I know he wasn't all bad. I do remember a few good things. I did love him and once in a while I miss him. I some times wish he could have met my girls.
However, I know the kids are better off for not knowing him. Its just hard. Most people love their parents no matter how terrible they are.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Progress II
ha ha ha...I was told I have PTSD today. yeah, I thought that was gone. I find it funny that after 18 years I still have it. crap, I didn't realize until I wrote that how long it had been. That is a long time to live with some thing. But it's not near as bad as it used to be. Now instead of freaking out and running away when men get to close, I stand there thinking of ways to hurt them and defend myself if I need too. That, my friends, is called progress.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Goals (not soccer)
I hate New Years resolutions. I find it annoying. Why do you wait until the beginning of the year to do things and make goals that you could do any time during the year? It doesn't make sense to me.
Ken and I often talk about what our goals are. However, we've been on hold in that department. With starting home school, having a baby, and dealing with this depression, we just haven't been able to make new goals yet.
On Sunday I was looking up recipes and stumbled across several new blogs. I was very excited. One was making $5 meals and another was about finances. It got me to thinking about the goals that we wanted to make. I was very excited. Ken and I talked for a couple of hours about how we want our lives to be and how to get there. I was inspired. I felt on fire. It was awesome.
Then Monday comes. I made goals for what I wanted to get done that day. I was still inspired. It was awesome. Then the kids woke up. They decided that I should have different goals for the day. Goals that didn't have any thing to do what my previous goals. ~sigh~ I went with it. I adjusted. Not well at first. I looked at the things I wanted to get done and wasn't going to be able to and I felt very overwhelmed. I was upset that things weren't going how I wanted them to.
Oh well. I have three kids and I home school. Things won't always go how I want them. I got over it and figured out what I could do instead. Not much got done that day. My goals were to fold and put away the 8 loads of laundry I'd done the day before, wash and put away more laundry, do dishes, pick up the living room and vacuum, and make dinner. I did get 4 loads of laundry done. None of the laundry was folded or put away. The living room didn't get picked up or vacuumed. We had pizza for dinner. I didn't go crazy. It was a good day.
Ken and I often talk about what our goals are. However, we've been on hold in that department. With starting home school, having a baby, and dealing with this depression, we just haven't been able to make new goals yet.
On Sunday I was looking up recipes and stumbled across several new blogs. I was very excited. One was making $5 meals and another was about finances. It got me to thinking about the goals that we wanted to make. I was very excited. Ken and I talked for a couple of hours about how we want our lives to be and how to get there. I was inspired. I felt on fire. It was awesome.
Then Monday comes. I made goals for what I wanted to get done that day. I was still inspired. It was awesome. Then the kids woke up. They decided that I should have different goals for the day. Goals that didn't have any thing to do what my previous goals. ~sigh~ I went with it. I adjusted. Not well at first. I looked at the things I wanted to get done and wasn't going to be able to and I felt very overwhelmed. I was upset that things weren't going how I wanted them to.
Oh well. I have three kids and I home school. Things won't always go how I want them. I got over it and figured out what I could do instead. Not much got done that day. My goals were to fold and put away the 8 loads of laundry I'd done the day before, wash and put away more laundry, do dishes, pick up the living room and vacuum, and make dinner. I did get 4 loads of laundry done. None of the laundry was folded or put away. The living room didn't get picked up or vacuumed. We had pizza for dinner. I didn't go crazy. It was a good day.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Progress!
So today she bumped me down to every other week! She said that I've been taking care of things and actively making progress so I don't have to come every week any more. I am very excited about that. We'll start that in January.
I did ask her what the point to this was. We mostly chit chat and don't talk about the big stuff. I expected more heavy talk. I have lots of deep dark issues to deal with and we haven't talked about them. She said it was mostly to explore the things that are going on in my life and how I feel about it. Also to figure out my goals in life in regards to myself and my family. Then she asked what my goals were.
um...goals...what goals? Ken and I have talked about goals before, its just been a while. You know those times in life where you are just trying to survive and also try and make things normal? Well that is where we are right now. Its starting with me, then Ken, and then the boy. I guess those would be our goals. I'm getting help, next will be Ken's turn, then we'll get Nehemiah diagnosed. Where we go from there I have no idea.
I did ask her what the point to this was. We mostly chit chat and don't talk about the big stuff. I expected more heavy talk. I have lots of deep dark issues to deal with and we haven't talked about them. She said it was mostly to explore the things that are going on in my life and how I feel about it. Also to figure out my goals in life in regards to myself and my family. Then she asked what my goals were.
um...goals...what goals? Ken and I have talked about goals before, its just been a while. You know those times in life where you are just trying to survive and also try and make things normal? Well that is where we are right now. Its starting with me, then Ken, and then the boy. I guess those would be our goals. I'm getting help, next will be Ken's turn, then we'll get Nehemiah diagnosed. Where we go from there I have no idea.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Thanksgiving
I continued to feel sad and unmotivated until half way through dinner on Thanksgiving. Then all of a sudden I started feeling happy and glad to be where I was. The rest of the night was really fun. Nehemiah got to play the Wii most of the day. It was a very nice relaxing day.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Feeling Icky
You know, I really thought that being on medication and how good I've been feeling, that I wouldn't have a bad day any more. Boy was I wrong! Yesterday sucked! Today has been pretty tough too.
Yesterday, everyone was just off. Nehemiah was being a butt head, Adie was crabby all day, Ellie was pretty good. I had to finish up making applesauce and get it canned so I was pretty busy with that. I think by about 4 pm I'd had it with the kids and their constant fighting. I sent them to their room until Ken got home. I needed a break from everyone. I didn't get that.
I woke up this morning not wanting to face the day. Ken left before I could shower. The kids woke up at 6:45 (Ellie was up at 5) and they were already making demands on me. Its what kids do but, I wasn't handling it well. I got ready and got the kids ready to go. I had my appointment this morning so we had to be out of the house by 9:15. My meds made me pretty sick all morning but it let up just as we were leaving. I couldn't find my keys, which made us late, and as we were trying to find my keys to walk out the door Ken called. I think Adie was crying too. It was just busy and stressful.
I didn't come away from my appointment today feeling better or more hopeful. I'm really disappointed about that. We talked mostly about what I'm doing for the holidays and stuff. We talked a bit about my mom too. Talking about the holidays leads to talk about the in-laws and Ken's mom. I guess I just didn't feel like talking about that today.
At one point she asked me to describe my five best qualities. yeah...I had nothing. I tend not to think about myself in that way. I'm a bit more focused right now on the things that need changing. She started off with I was intelligent and I had a good sense of humor. I said I was kind, loving and could make a mean pie. Not really a personality trait but I was reaching and wanted to be done with that subject.
I hate feeling the way I'm feeling right now. I just want some time alone and some time to listen to loud music. I always feel better after I've listened to some thing so loud that I can feel the music pulsing through out my body. What I should do is throw on my ipod and go for a run. I could listen to nine inch nails or some angry music to help me calm down. But that probably won't happen today. I have to get some house work done and I have a pie to make.
I'm going to throw my ipod on and do dishes now. You know those days where you have nothing nice to say at all? yeah, I'm negative today. I think I'll just be quiet the rest of the day.
Yesterday, everyone was just off. Nehemiah was being a butt head, Adie was crabby all day, Ellie was pretty good. I had to finish up making applesauce and get it canned so I was pretty busy with that. I think by about 4 pm I'd had it with the kids and their constant fighting. I sent them to their room until Ken got home. I needed a break from everyone. I didn't get that.
I woke up this morning not wanting to face the day. Ken left before I could shower. The kids woke up at 6:45 (Ellie was up at 5) and they were already making demands on me. Its what kids do but, I wasn't handling it well. I got ready and got the kids ready to go. I had my appointment this morning so we had to be out of the house by 9:15. My meds made me pretty sick all morning but it let up just as we were leaving. I couldn't find my keys, which made us late, and as we were trying to find my keys to walk out the door Ken called. I think Adie was crying too. It was just busy and stressful.
I didn't come away from my appointment today feeling better or more hopeful. I'm really disappointed about that. We talked mostly about what I'm doing for the holidays and stuff. We talked a bit about my mom too. Talking about the holidays leads to talk about the in-laws and Ken's mom. I guess I just didn't feel like talking about that today.
At one point she asked me to describe my five best qualities. yeah...I had nothing. I tend not to think about myself in that way. I'm a bit more focused right now on the things that need changing. She started off with I was intelligent and I had a good sense of humor. I said I was kind, loving and could make a mean pie. Not really a personality trait but I was reaching and wanted to be done with that subject.
I hate feeling the way I'm feeling right now. I just want some time alone and some time to listen to loud music. I always feel better after I've listened to some thing so loud that I can feel the music pulsing through out my body. What I should do is throw on my ipod and go for a run. I could listen to nine inch nails or some angry music to help me calm down. But that probably won't happen today. I have to get some house work done and I have a pie to make.
I'm going to throw my ipod on and do dishes now. You know those days where you have nothing nice to say at all? yeah, I'm negative today. I think I'll just be quiet the rest of the day.
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