Thanksgiving

I continued to feel sad and unmotivated until half way through dinner on Thanksgiving. Then all of a sudden I started feeling happy and glad to be where I was. The rest of the night was really fun. Nehemiah got to play the Wii most of the day. It was a very nice relaxing day.

Feeling Icky

You know, I really thought that being on medication and how good I've been feeling, that I wouldn't have a bad day any more. Boy was I wrong! Yesterday sucked! Today has been pretty tough too.

Yesterday, everyone was just off. Nehemiah was being a butt head, Adie was crabby all day, Ellie was pretty good. I had to finish up making applesauce and get it canned so I was pretty busy with that. I think by about 4 pm I'd had it with the kids and their constant fighting. I sent them to their room until Ken got home. I needed a break from everyone. I didn't get that.

I woke up this morning not wanting to face the day. Ken left before I could shower. The kids woke up at 6:45 (Ellie was up at 5) and they were already making demands on me. Its what kids do but, I wasn't handling it well. I got ready and got the kids ready to go. I had my appointment this morning so we had to be out of the house by 9:15. My meds made me pretty sick all morning but it let up just as we were leaving. I couldn't find my keys, which made us late, and as we were trying to find my keys to walk out the door Ken called. I think Adie was crying too. It was just busy and stressful.

I didn't come away from my appointment today feeling better or more hopeful. I'm really disappointed about that. We talked mostly about what I'm doing for the holidays and stuff. We talked a bit about my mom too. Talking about the holidays leads to talk about the in-laws and Ken's mom. I guess I just didn't feel like talking about that today.

At one point she asked me to describe my five best qualities. yeah...I had nothing. I tend not to think about myself in that way. I'm a bit more focused right now on the things that need changing. She started off with I was intelligent and I had a good sense of humor. I said I was kind, loving and could make a mean pie. Not really a personality trait but I was reaching and wanted to be done with that subject.

I hate feeling the way I'm feeling right now. I just want some time alone and some time to listen to loud music. I always feel better after I've listened to some thing so loud that I can feel the music pulsing through out my body. What I should do is throw on my ipod and go for a run. I could listen to nine inch nails or some angry music to help me calm down. But that probably won't happen today. I have to get some house work done and I have a pie to make.


I'm going to throw my ipod on and do dishes now. You know those days where you have nothing nice to say at all? yeah, I'm negative today. I think I'll just be quiet the rest of the day.

Feeling Better

I had some thing huge happen today. Most times when I give the baby a bath I have this thought that haunts me. Each time I think how easy it would be to just leave her in the bath to drown. Not that I want to do that but just how easy it would be to walk away. The thought assaults me and I'm afraid of it. I dread giving her a bath. For the first time I didn't have that thought. It didn't beat me up. I gave her a bath and she was the only one crying!

I feel really good today. I've been happy. I talked and joked with the women at my MOMS group and I really felt happy while doing it. There wasn't the underlining sadness that there usually is. I didn't have to fake it. I'm told its only going to get better! *huge grin*

Second Appointment

It strikes fear in my heart (and bowels) to have to go to a therapist. My appointment is at 10am. I spend the morning trying to get ready and trying not to bite the kids' heads off from the stress and anxiety I'm feeling over it.

Today went well. We just mostly talked of how things are going at home and how Ken and I are dealing with stress. The hour went by much faster than last week. I really like this woman. I am glad that I'm going, even if I am still scared to go.

Side Effects

It seems that I have a few of the side effects that the anti depressant can cause. Either that or I'm getting H1N1. I think the flu would hit a bit faster than this has. Here are the side effects of the drug...

"Nausea, dizziness, dry mouth, loss of appetite, increased sweating, drowsiness, diarrhea, upset stomach, or trouble sleeping may occur. If any of these effects persist or worsen, notify your doctor or pharmacist promptly."

I have seven of them.

A Good Day

Not much happened today. I got all the dishes washed except the crock pot and I did 3 loads of laundry. Nehemiah actually did school work today. He did a lot more than I planned for him but it makes up for last week where he did hardly any. I haven't yelled today...oh wait, once but it was to get some one's attention. I haven't even cried today!!

See all this is a big deal because most days I don't feel like doing any thing and any amount of work takes a huge effort. I've heard it takes 6 to 12 months to get over this. I hate dealing with emotions. I saw a character on t.v once say, "I prefer to push my emotions down until they come out at inappropriate times." I guess its not a direct quote but it was some thing along those lines. It made me laugh.

Last week my friend made me go for a walk. She said it would make me feel better. It didn't but I needed to go anyway. Last night I went for a brisk 20 minute walk. It felt good. Now if I could just do that more often.

Why?

There is a neighbor who for some reason belches loudly all the time. I don't know who he is or where he is, I just hear a loud "blaaaaaaaaaarp" at various times through out the day. I guess its an improvement over the drunk unemployed neighbor who would have long loud conversations with him self.