Feeling Icky

You know, I really thought that being on medication and how good I've been feeling, that I wouldn't have a bad day any more. Boy was I wrong! Yesterday sucked! Today has been pretty tough too.

Yesterday, everyone was just off. Nehemiah was being a butt head, Adie was crabby all day, Ellie was pretty good. I had to finish up making applesauce and get it canned so I was pretty busy with that. I think by about 4 pm I'd had it with the kids and their constant fighting. I sent them to their room until Ken got home. I needed a break from everyone. I didn't get that.

I woke up this morning not wanting to face the day. Ken left before I could shower. The kids woke up at 6:45 (Ellie was up at 5) and they were already making demands on me. Its what kids do but, I wasn't handling it well. I got ready and got the kids ready to go. I had my appointment this morning so we had to be out of the house by 9:15. My meds made me pretty sick all morning but it let up just as we were leaving. I couldn't find my keys, which made us late, and as we were trying to find my keys to walk out the door Ken called. I think Adie was crying too. It was just busy and stressful.

I didn't come away from my appointment today feeling better or more hopeful. I'm really disappointed about that. We talked mostly about what I'm doing for the holidays and stuff. We talked a bit about my mom too. Talking about the holidays leads to talk about the in-laws and Ken's mom. I guess I just didn't feel like talking about that today.

At one point she asked me to describe my five best qualities. yeah...I had nothing. I tend not to think about myself in that way. I'm a bit more focused right now on the things that need changing. She started off with I was intelligent and I had a good sense of humor. I said I was kind, loving and could make a mean pie. Not really a personality trait but I was reaching and wanted to be done with that subject.

I hate feeling the way I'm feeling right now. I just want some time alone and some time to listen to loud music. I always feel better after I've listened to some thing so loud that I can feel the music pulsing through out my body. What I should do is throw on my ipod and go for a run. I could listen to nine inch nails or some angry music to help me calm down. But that probably won't happen today. I have to get some house work done and I have a pie to make.


I'm going to throw my ipod on and do dishes now. You know those days where you have nothing nice to say at all? yeah, I'm negative today. I think I'll just be quiet the rest of the day.