Thanksgiving

I continued to feel sad and unmotivated until half way through dinner on Thanksgiving. Then all of a sudden I started feeling happy and glad to be where I was. The rest of the night was really fun. Nehemiah got to play the Wii most of the day. It was a very nice relaxing day.

Feeling Icky

You know, I really thought that being on medication and how good I've been feeling, that I wouldn't have a bad day any more. Boy was I wrong! Yesterday sucked! Today has been pretty tough too.

Yesterday, everyone was just off. Nehemiah was being a butt head, Adie was crabby all day, Ellie was pretty good. I had to finish up making applesauce and get it canned so I was pretty busy with that. I think by about 4 pm I'd had it with the kids and their constant fighting. I sent them to their room until Ken got home. I needed a break from everyone. I didn't get that.

I woke up this morning not wanting to face the day. Ken left before I could shower. The kids woke up at 6:45 (Ellie was up at 5) and they were already making demands on me. Its what kids do but, I wasn't handling it well. I got ready and got the kids ready to go. I had my appointment this morning so we had to be out of the house by 9:15. My meds made me pretty sick all morning but it let up just as we were leaving. I couldn't find my keys, which made us late, and as we were trying to find my keys to walk out the door Ken called. I think Adie was crying too. It was just busy and stressful.

I didn't come away from my appointment today feeling better or more hopeful. I'm really disappointed about that. We talked mostly about what I'm doing for the holidays and stuff. We talked a bit about my mom too. Talking about the holidays leads to talk about the in-laws and Ken's mom. I guess I just didn't feel like talking about that today.

At one point she asked me to describe my five best qualities. yeah...I had nothing. I tend not to think about myself in that way. I'm a bit more focused right now on the things that need changing. She started off with I was intelligent and I had a good sense of humor. I said I was kind, loving and could make a mean pie. Not really a personality trait but I was reaching and wanted to be done with that subject.

I hate feeling the way I'm feeling right now. I just want some time alone and some time to listen to loud music. I always feel better after I've listened to some thing so loud that I can feel the music pulsing through out my body. What I should do is throw on my ipod and go for a run. I could listen to nine inch nails or some angry music to help me calm down. But that probably won't happen today. I have to get some house work done and I have a pie to make.


I'm going to throw my ipod on and do dishes now. You know those days where you have nothing nice to say at all? yeah, I'm negative today. I think I'll just be quiet the rest of the day.

Feeling Better

I had some thing huge happen today. Most times when I give the baby a bath I have this thought that haunts me. Each time I think how easy it would be to just leave her in the bath to drown. Not that I want to do that but just how easy it would be to walk away. The thought assaults me and I'm afraid of it. I dread giving her a bath. For the first time I didn't have that thought. It didn't beat me up. I gave her a bath and she was the only one crying!

I feel really good today. I've been happy. I talked and joked with the women at my MOMS group and I really felt happy while doing it. There wasn't the underlining sadness that there usually is. I didn't have to fake it. I'm told its only going to get better! *huge grin*

Second Appointment

It strikes fear in my heart (and bowels) to have to go to a therapist. My appointment is at 10am. I spend the morning trying to get ready and trying not to bite the kids' heads off from the stress and anxiety I'm feeling over it.

Today went well. We just mostly talked of how things are going at home and how Ken and I are dealing with stress. The hour went by much faster than last week. I really like this woman. I am glad that I'm going, even if I am still scared to go.

Side Effects

It seems that I have a few of the side effects that the anti depressant can cause. Either that or I'm getting H1N1. I think the flu would hit a bit faster than this has. Here are the side effects of the drug...

"Nausea, dizziness, dry mouth, loss of appetite, increased sweating, drowsiness, diarrhea, upset stomach, or trouble sleeping may occur. If any of these effects persist or worsen, notify your doctor or pharmacist promptly."

I have seven of them.

A Good Day

Not much happened today. I got all the dishes washed except the crock pot and I did 3 loads of laundry. Nehemiah actually did school work today. He did a lot more than I planned for him but it makes up for last week where he did hardly any. I haven't yelled today...oh wait, once but it was to get some one's attention. I haven't even cried today!!

See all this is a big deal because most days I don't feel like doing any thing and any amount of work takes a huge effort. I've heard it takes 6 to 12 months to get over this. I hate dealing with emotions. I saw a character on t.v once say, "I prefer to push my emotions down until they come out at inappropriate times." I guess its not a direct quote but it was some thing along those lines. It made me laugh.

Last week my friend made me go for a walk. She said it would make me feel better. It didn't but I needed to go anyway. Last night I went for a brisk 20 minute walk. It felt good. Now if I could just do that more often.

Why?

There is a neighbor who for some reason belches loudly all the time. I don't know who he is or where he is, I just hear a loud "blaaaaaaaaaarp" at various times through out the day. I guess its an improvement over the drunk unemployed neighbor who would have long loud conversations with him self.

Weekend!

I forgot to take my first pill on Friday. oops. I was going to but then I got tired and went to bed way to late. I took it Saturday though. Go me!

I love the weekends. Ken is home and it is the only time when I feel normal. This weekend has been particularly nice. We met his cousin and his wife at the park and hung out for about 4 hours. It was a lot of fun.

Today we are going to clean house, make applesauce, do some grocery shopping, and the thing I'm looking forward to the most and dreading equally...Adie is going into a toddler bed. She'll be free. She'll be able to get up any time she feels like it. She can get out of her crib now but she only does it when she's really upset about nap time. That doesn't happen very often. Ken is putting the bed together as I type. I'm sure this will add to my stress over the coming weeks but I am excited that she'll finally be in a "big girl bed". Right now she's helping Ken put together the bed. Her help consists of pulling the slats out of the spots Ken just put them in.

Going to the Doctor

Today I went to my regular doctor. She put me on anti depressants. I've never really wanted to be on pills but I can see how they will help. I didn't know how they worked before but now that its been explained to me, I feel better about taking them.

They work by raising the levels of serotonin and two other chemicals that I don't remember the name of. Each person's brain can only hold so many of those chemicals. The medication just makes your brain work at capacity. If some one takes them and doesn't have depression then it won't do anything to them. Its not like they will be any happier.

She said it could take up to a month to start working. I hope it starts sooner. Today was a very rough day. I cried most of the day and tried to hide from the kids. I hate days like this. It feels like it will never end and that I'll never feel happy again. I hope its not true.

First Session

Wow, who knew? I had no idea I would feel this much better. We covered a lot of topics in our hour together. I pretty much expected a lot of the things she said. She wants me on anti depressants. I also expected her to suggest putting Nehemiah back in regular school. She actually said a special ed class for kids with high functioning autism or aspergers. Based on what I told her about him she said it sounded like he had it. She suggested a place for us to go to seek help for him and for us. This place would also give us a definite diagnosis.

Even though I'm going in for post partum, I'm sure we'll talk about other things. She asked a lot of questions and we talked about a lot more than I thought we would. I felt really good when I was done. It was just nice to talk to some one.

Afterwards Ken and I went and got coffee and walked around for a half hour. It was great getting that time to talk. It made me realize again just how much we need to have regular dates. I miss spending time alone with him.

Doubts

I keep wondering if I really need to do this. Maybe things aren't as bad as they seem. Maybe I'm being dramatic. But then I have days were I hide from the kids (bath tub is a great place) or where I'm very frustrated for no apparent reason and yell a lot. I hate that. I'm much better when Ken is around but the sadness is always lurking just off in the distance. The worst that can happen is the person says that I have PPD or at best she says I'm fine. But if this is "fine" that worries me. ~sigh~

I wanted Ken to go with me to my first appointment. It required telling his step mom about it, which I didn't want to do but, we needed her to watch the kids. At first she said she was busy but later she said she could do it if we really needed her to. Turns out we need her to. Ken's boss said he could leave work at 2:00 but that doesn't give him enough time to get home and then for me to get to my appointment on time. The plan is for us to meet at his parents house, drop the two older ones off and then head over to the place.

I really don't want to hear from her how I've been needing to do this or that she's glad I'm going for help. I can only take support from certain people and coming from any where else can be annoying. Kinda feels more like empty words if that makes any sense. I like my step mother in law, she's nice and she loves the kids. She drive me nuts at times but she means well. Its just that this is very personal and I don't share things on that kind of level with them.

Time to fix my hair and figure out what we're going to do today. I'm glad its a holiday and we don't have to do school. Although Nehemiah's P.E class is meeting today. I haven't decided if I have the energy to take him. Being at a park with a bunch of other moms just seems overwhelming right now.

The Start of it All

Okay, so tomorrow I have my first appointment with the head doctor. I'm pretty sure I have post partum depression. Its way more fun than it sounds. I've thought about documenting this whole process of trying to get better. Ken thinks I should. So I guess I will. My only concern is some one giving me grief for the thoughts that rattle in my brain. I have a response but I can't really type what I would want to say to them, in the event that would happen. Forgive me, I'm a little on edge tonight and crabby and defensive. I am not looking forward to tomorrow.

I'll give a bit of background as to why I finally decided to seek help before I explain why I'm dreading it. I realized I was pregnant when I was doing dishes one day and I felt terribly depressed. I get that way in the beginning of each pregnancy. I was very surprised and not happy about being pregnant again. It took me about two or three months before I was excited about being a mom again. But all through the pregnancy I struggled with my emotions. So many times I'd try to figure out a way to commit suicide but in such a way that the baby would live. I'm pretty sure that was impossible. I didn't think about those things all the time, just off and on.

In the last 3 1/2 months since I had my baby things haven't gotten better. Really, they've gotten worse. Thoughts of harming the kids terrify me, while thoughts of harming my self have a promise of relief (so to speak). But I know it is a lie. I go further in my imagination and think of what it would be like for Ken or the kids to find me. Or how it would affect my kids for the rest of their lives. My son would blame himself. I can't bear that. So off I go to a psychiatrist to talk and probably get medicated.

I am opposed to all forms of counseling and psychotropic drugs; when it comes to myself that is. If other people need it then that is fine. I have no problems with that and will support that person in their decision. It kills me to finally give in to some thing that for so long I rebelled against.

When I was 12 I was a little wild (my mom may have a stronger word than what I used). My mom, the principal, and my teacher made me see the school counselor to help me work out the issues I was dealing with. I saw her for two years in 5th and 6th grade. She was a whack job and I hated her. Still do as a matter of fact. I was so glad when I stopped seeing her. Then she got a job as a counselor at my high school in my senior year. I had worked very hard not to be the person I was when she knew me. However she still thought I was that person. Every time she saw me she'd say, "so....are you still going to graduate?" I'd seethe in anger and just answer yes and walk away. I finally got up enough nerve to tell her I didn't appreciate it and wanted her to stop. She did. But being forced to see her just really soured me on the whole experience.

Ken is getting home early tomorrow so I can go in. He'll watch the kids. I'm not sure if I'll leave the baby with him since she's nursing. But it will only be for about an hour and a half and there is breast milk in the freezer, so I guess there isn't any reason why she can't stay home with daddy and her big brother and big sister. Ugh, I'm sure this will be better than I imagine it, at least I hope so. I think I need some encouragement in the form of ice cream tonight. I might need cupcakes tomorrow. Maybe all I really need is self medication.